Recently, a buddy sent us a link to a YouTube video called\”Can Men and Women You need to be Friends?\”I rolled my eyes. Ihatethat question. It's heteronormative and sexist, but, I clicked anyway.
The video has more than 12 million views. In it, women on a college-campus all say, \”Yes! Obviously men and women could be friends.\” But the college-aged men aren't sure. They report always wanting \”something more.\” The ladies also admit that many of their male friends have crushes on them. Watching, I squirmed in my seat. The video shows some unnamed truth within the male/female friendship dynamic: a mans friend who's deeply in love with you, who you kind of add but whom you do love, in some way. I understand this phenomenon very well.
Elliot was a film student inside my college; he had Kurt Cobain-like hair that he constantly pushed behind one ear. We hung out almost daily. I'd go to his dorm room and we would lay on the ground, smoking pot and painting with watercolors. Or we'd have picnics, drinking wine and referring to the poetry of Frank O'Hara and Stevie Smith.
At time, I said such things as, \”Iloooovebeing single!\”
But looking back, I was never lonely in my single-dom since i had Elliot around for boyfriend-y things. Painting together! Discussing poetry! Once, while I was sick, he even readThe Little Princealoud in my experience in bed. These were things I'd previously only dreamed of doing with boyfriends.
When people asked if we were dating, I had been appalled.
\”Nowaaaay!We're just friends!\” I'd huff.
It was true that I wasn't interested; he was younger than me and seemed somehow too naive or uncool. I had been sleeping with guys who had sleeve tattoos with guns and spiderwebs on their arms, which, apparently, was my concept of that which was cool at the time. I wasn't interested in Elliot, and yet, somewhere inside of me was a voice having said that,Bare this guy around! You could marry this man.
I would have never admitted that to my buddies.
The very first time Elliot told me he loved me was in a letter.
I wrote him back:Obviously I love you, you're my mate!
The letter was vague. I told him I couldn't handle a lot more than we had because our friendship was just \”so important to me.\”
He wrote back:I've no clue how this really is all likely to engage in. Or even whether it should play out. Despite the fact that I want it to so badly. Sometimes you just aren't supposed to get what you want.
So was he admitting he liked not being able to have me, despite the fact that he knew he shouldn't?
The friendship continued by doing this, teetering around the precipice in excess of friendship. He would confess his love and I would give him just enough to remain around. When I came by Elliot's apartment, his roommates would shoot us a knowing look, full of annoyance. They knew, and that i knew too. He loved me and I was never likely to date him. However i wasn't likely to let him date other people either.
One fall, I brought Elliot to go to my parents. We drank mini-bottles of dark wine throughout the seven-hour train ride. When he stood within my childhood kitchen that night, I felt safe with him there. My parents loved him. And there was that thought again, the \”Maybe someday I'll marry him\”thought.
It was right after this visit which i met someone else. Someone who was grounding, someone who I noticed I possibly could be around, and thought about being with right then. Not justsomeday.
I'd been seeing this new guy for a few weeks when I stopped by Elliot's spot for a visit. I finished up staying the night time. Did I mention that sometimes we slept within the same bed? It hurts to think of it, how we slept so frequently, alongside. My body extended beside him must have been the best tease. For the first time, that night, Elliot reached his hands toward me and put them on my small hips.
\”No. We can't,\” I whispered.
Then Elliot started seeing someone too. Therefore we fell from each other's lives. Later, when we finally reconnected, I was married. That new boyfriend became my husband. My spouse and i invited Elliot over for dinner, and in your kitchen when i nervously fussed having a salad, I possibly could hear the pair of them laughing and getting along.
\”I do not understand why he was undateable,\” my husband whispered to me in the hallway. \”He's great!\”
That night, Elliot and I stayed up late talking after my husband went to bed. We talked about the past and future. In an instant, I first viewed it. That line we so carefully traversed. Between friendship then one more. That was our pattern. It still was. Maybe most commonly it is. But it's a line I've never, within my heart of hearts, desired to cross. For whatever reason, all I wanted was for Elliot to become agoodfriend. I said goodnight to Elliot and joined my husband in bed.
Like the ladies interviewed in the video, I'd answer which i think men and womencanjust be friends. I'm not sure what the difference is precisely between platonic love and romantic love, but there's a difference. I'm not sure if any friendship is totally platonic. Maybe partly, this is also why I hate this question, since i don't know if you're able to truly be friends with someone whose heart you're breaking.