The man I was engaged to was my first real adult love. It was mutual, it had been committed, and it was mature. But there were other \”loves.\” Adam, the long-haired hippie in 8th grade, who held my hand once and literally acoustic guitar; Rob, the twenty-something video store employee, whom I stalked for the whole summer before I turned 15; Jesse who gave me emotional support when my parents divorced summer time after freshman year of college; and lastly, Aidan*, another staff member inside my college newspaper whom I fell for-HARD-my senior year.

The passion I felt for Aidan am consuming it lasted well after I graduated and moved away. The \”love\” I felt for him lasted approximately, oh, four years, during which there was much drunken misbehavior. (That incident where I pushed a dude into traffic? That was him.) We'd about 20 or so sexual encounters (all in the first eight months), and, eventually, a powerful friendship. Eventually, I acquired over finding yourself in love with him. Mostly.

Aidan is getting married in two weeks. I'd be lying if I said hello wasn't making me the tiniest bit … sore. He'll be the first man I've slept with and to whom I've said \”I love you\” (he didn't say it back, for that record) to get married. As uncle, I'm immensely happy for him-he and the fiancée have been together for several years, have withstood the long-distance test, and genuinely appear to be a wonderful match. He was sometimes a total jackass to me during our little eight month up-and-down affair (and that i was borderline psycho), but he's developed into a loyal, mature man and she's lucky to have him, though I suspect his evolution was a result of her divine inspiration. In short, I'm jealous-of each of them.

I know it's immature, but I felt somewhat victorious when I got engaged before he did. After i told him my news, I felt just a little pang of glee that I hadn't only gotten over him (since it seemed like I never, ever would), but passed him within the race towards relationship maturity. (Now I realize that marriage isn't the finish line.) A few months after my engagement, he proposed to his girlfriend and we shared many a wide-eyed \”can you believe we're so grown up?!\” conversation.

Though we'd been friends for years at that point, I finally felt like we were on equal footing. His fiancée couldn't be uncomfortable around me since I was engaged to my fiancé and she or he was engaged to Aidan! And my fiancé couldn't still feel awkward about my friendship with him because we were getting married, the ultimate proof that he was the main one I needed, not Aidan or other people before him. Unfortunately, however, the total amount of power between us wasn't enough to create things OK with his fiancée, who still felt uncomfortable about inviting me to the wedding. C'est vie.

When my engagement was cancelled, I resisted telling a lot of people initially, however when Aidan IM'd me one day to check in, I just wanted to get it over and done with.

\”So, I'm just likely to let you know this so you don't ask me about any wedding s**t in the future, at least until I have good news to report,\” I wrote. \”[REDACTED] and that i are apparently 'on a rest.' He's through an existential quarter-life crisis and i am living alone using the dog. I am fine now, but I didn't get out of bed for four days.\”

\”Oh my god,\” he wrote back, \”I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't think of the selection of s**t you're feeling.\”

\”Does the thought of getting married ever freak you out?\” I asked. \”I'm having a very difficult time understanding the male mind at this time.\”

\”Yes it does,\” he responded. \”But I don't know what he is thinking. I'm sad for you and enraged at the same time.\”

It's been nearly a year since we've had that conversation and that i feel immensely grateful which i didn't walk on the aisle with someone who ended up being wrong for me personally. But despite the fact that I know Aidan is and try to was wrong for me too, I still feel a little sad that his impending marriage makes that official.

Have any one of you had feelings like this when an ex or love from your past get wed?

*Name changed so his fiancée doesn't kick my ass.