\”Why does she stay?\” may be the question usually asked when we learn about someone in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, it's also among the least helpful stuff you can tell female distracted by this cycle. Exactly what do we do to help when we suspect a friend has been battered?
Several years back, project manager Jenny found herself in that position when she noticed a new friend was covered in bruises. \”I informed her flat-out that I saw the bruises and i also was concerned,\” Jenny says via email. \”I informed her which i didn't know if she needed help or someone to talk to, but that they could call me whenever, night or day.\”
Jenny confided that she too would be a survivor of domestic abuse and was blown away that only after she'd escaped her abuser did friends come forward to tell her just how much they'd loathed her husband. \”No one said anything after i was at it and needed help-so that was why I was speaking up.\”
The most essential thing that you can do for a friend inside a terrible situation is to remind her that you're a secure person for her to open up to. One of the most insidious things abusers do is cut their partners off from family and friends. It's not hard to stomp off inside a huff if a friend doesn't return several telephone calls or emails, but understand that whether it's a friend who's being battered, she either might possibly not have the choice to get back to you, or perhaps be too embarrassed to do this. Keep trying. Respect her boundaries, but make certain she knows you're there.
I called Kimberlina Kavern, a director at Safe Horizon, the country's leading victim assistance program, to obtain her thoughts on the problem.
\”Tell your friend that if there's anything going on that they really wants to talk about, that you're a non-judgmental, supportive friend,\” Kim suggests. Hear that? Put away the Judge Judy robes. Let alone what you would do in her own situation-until you've been there, you've got no idea.
\”We always recommend trying to connect survivors having a professional DV advocate,\” Kim advises. Safe Horizon is such an advocate, providing from legal assistance to counseling to safe shelter, to locksmiths who'll help secure their house once a purchase of protection continues to be obtained.
A safety plan's extremely important, as victims often have to escape in a hurry. You are able to help by providing her a location to keep an extra group of clothes and then any cash she can scrounge (financial abuse is a biggie with batterers). If you have an old cell phone available, give it to her. Even when it isn't operating, it'll dial 911. Also suggest she make copies of important documents, like bank account information, social security cards, birth certificates and passports. But again, you need to suggest, not demand. This really is about helping your friend regain power over her life-it's no opportunity for you to run it.
Make no mistake-being a good friend to a battered woman isn't always easy. Watching her go back home to a man who treats her badly can be very frustrating-sometimes infuriating, even. But it's vital that you remember your priority within this situation-your friend. \”It's normal to possess those feelings of frustration and also to maybe take on some of what your friend's dealing with,\” Kim says. \”But it's important to not express that for your friend.\” Vent to your shrink, a dependable friend, a parent-but understand that if dealing with you makes her feel more ashamed about her situation, it'll only drive her deeper in to the closet.
The battered woman in Jenny's life eventually divorced her husband, but no thanks to their mutual friends. \”People kept getting annoyed with me for 'interfering,'\” she recalls. Incredibly, Jenny was even called a snob by one friend who accused her of forcing her \”feminist values\” on an uninterested party! Jenny says, \”My frustration, ultimately, wasn't with her, but with other people who wouldn't help and were judging me in order to.\”